Does anyone actually know them self?
by nicodiangelo'ssister
Summary: Phan, realistic, 2016
1. Does anyone know them self?

**Note: NOT Danrific. PHAN! Thank you!**

 **Also I just Want to say, I Love you Tyra! You are beautiful! (If you are not my Girlfriend feel free to ignore this message)**

 **Dan's P.O.V.**

Dan woke up in the wrong bed, the wrong apartment, the wrong building, fortunately he recognized it. He groaned as he sat up. Last night was a bit hazy but at least he knew where he was. Cat walked into the room.

"Good morning Dan"

"Morning Cat. How . . . I mean what? How did"

"How did you end up in my bed again after the last time I told you we had to stop?'

"yeah" I nodded miserably

"Soooo basically . . . we were wasted, wrecked, totaled, smashed, drunk out of our minds. But it won't happen again"

"Cat . . ." I began

"No Dan."

"But I love you."

"You don't. You love the idea of me."

"Cat please, you always say that and then we always end up here."

"Because we get DRUNK!" she's angry know, she's shouting.

"Drunken words are sober thoughts." I whisper. She points to the door.

"Out."

"Cat this isn't . . . I mean" I stuttered as I got up due to the crashing headache I had from moving.

"Of course not, even if you don't love me we are still friends" She gave me a hug and I felt myself whisper.

"But I do."

"Get going Phil is worried, he texted me"

"What did you say?"

"That you were slammed so I let you sleep on my couch"

"Thanks" I don't know why we never told Phil when we hooked up, maybe we didn't want to make awkward tension? Anyway it was Cat's idea but somehow know it felt vital, I always rather thought he liked her.

I walked dejectedly through Cat's door I turned around suddenly.

"I do love you though" I said quickly.

"No you don't" she replied slamming the door.

 **Cat's P.O.V.**

I slammed the door on his hopeful face and leaned back against it. I sighed and slide to the ground groaning I had a horrible headache, for more than one reason. At least my roomie was out, for a week, fuck. Its always hard to see him go knowing that he didn't love me. But a little thought tugged in the back of my mind each time. _You kicked him out Cat, that was you. All it would take is for you to say you loved him. You wouldn't even have to lie._ I thought about it then sighed

"but it would be living a lie. A happy lie, but a lie"

I feel asleep and dreamed that Dan wasn't in love with someone else. Then I dreamed that he realized he was in love. I smiled to myself.

 **Phil's P.O.V.**

I was going to have to tell him. I don't know where I got the courage to but I did so it was now or never.

 **I'm sure there are lots of mistakes, I edited but I suck at editing, plz comments things that need to be fixed so the next person can enjiy this better.**


	2. Do I even know myself?

Dan's P.O.V.

It was freezing outside and . . . Here's a surprise . . . Raining. Wow rain? In England? Somebody phone the Queen!

When I opened our apartment door Phil was standing on the other side like he had been waiting. He looked nervous, more nervous than he had been before tour. But the moment he register me he regains his composere and says

"Wow you look dreadful!" I chuckle at this.

"Thanks Phil."

I'm sorry but it's true! Look at you!" His voice an octave higher than normal. I laugh. Which hurts my head, I grown. Its his turn to laugh.

"Go to bed you idiot, Close the curtain, I'll bring you some water."

"Thanks"

I wake up. Urgh. I was supposed to film today. I' been planning for ages. Then looking at the clock I realized today was tomorrow. I grown again and open one of the water bottles Phil left for me. I drain it within 30 seconds and open another one. I hear the sound of the door knob turning. Phil walks in. I mean who else would it be? Light floods the room from behind him. I get up growning internally. How much had I had? I stood up walking to my closet I open it and pull out a fresh shirt. I pull the one I'm wearing and slip the other one on. I look in the mirror, hobbit hair, from the rain, great, just great. I sigh combing my fingers through it.

"Dan there's something I have to say to you." I turn back towards Phil. He looks nervous, really nervous.

"So stop fidgeting and tell me" He looked unnerved. I chuckled to myself

"What have you broken now? You're so clumsy"

"I didn't. . . I didn't break anything, yet"

"What are you on about"

"Dan I'm in love with you" I freeze, nothing could have prepared me for this. After a long moment of my brain going WHAT IS THIS PHANFIC? I finally said

"Are you joking, what's wrong with you, you should have told me. You have

Lit-tra-ly seen me naked, you're just telling me now after . . . I need to leave." I hurry past him.

"Dan! Wait a second I . . ."

I was gone.


	3. Do I need to?

**PJ's P.O.V.**

The way Chris Kendall left my life for good: It had been 6th months since his last video so I don't know how he's doing.

 **(Flash back)**

We were at Dan and Phil's place, We had been drinking. Why do bad stories always start like that? Anyway, Phil and Dan were talking in the kitchen and

"Peej I need to tell you something, I'm in love with you" I laughed at that.

"I'm not joking!" He sounded dearest and his northern accent got thicker.

"Oh god Chris erm sorry, I thought you were joking, oh my god really?"

"Yeah. I dont supose. . ."

"No Chris, _I'm_ sorry but I'm in love with Phil"

"I'm I supposed to pretend I didn't hear that?" said phil's voice from behind me. I whipped around, I must have looked terrified.

"I don't supose . . ." I had said mimicking Chris.

"Dan, I'm in love with Dan and he's in love with Cat, they sleep together, whenever they're drunk anyways."

"I'm sorry"

"You should tell em" said Chris suddenly

"Who?"

"Dan you prick the your in love with?"

"No way" We argued a bit whether or not Phil should tell him, and we are drunk which doesn't help.

"Well I'm tellin em" as Chris goes towards the door Phil in who i have never seen so much as kill a moth grabs him by the shirt and pushed him to the floor, I gasped "Oh my God Chris I'm so sorry!" Phil reached down to help him up but Chris pushed him away."i don't need your help" Chris spat. Just as dan walked into the room "Whats going on he said in a cheerful voice. "Phil is . . . " Chris began I reached down and covered his mouth. he looked at me with such reproach that i Immediately felt bad. Dan shrugged it off. Chris got weird when he was drunk sometimes. The next day there I knocked on his door. When he opened it his eyes were red. He yelled at me a bit I yelled back. THen suddenly he was kissing me I pulled away in shock and walked out the door, I haven't seen him since.

 **End Flashback**

There was a knock at the door I opened it to find Phil standing there"What is it Phil" I said then I noticed the red under his eyes

"Oh god what happened?"

"I . . . Dan . . . .I told . . . I said"

"Oh God. Why?"

"I. . . " he burst into tears as I swept him inside and sat him down at the kitchen table

I made tea as he told me what happened between tears

I noticed how his voice cracked when he was repeating something that Dan had said and I wondered to myself

is this how Chris had felt, Had I hurt him this bad? Or worse?

"Who is it" I called "It's me Dan" came a voice "Please i need to talk to you it's urgent!" Phil looked panicked I pointed silently motioning for him to hide in my bedroom, then called out "Just a second then" to danI tidied up aka I put Phil's cup in the sink and closed let phil hide in my bedroom then opened the door with a sigh "What is it Dan?" "I've done something awful and I . . . " his voice broke

He told me basicly the same thing Phil had but w/ a lot less crying ending it all with

"It was just such a shock I . . . never would have said that if i'd just . . ."

Then it was my turn and I told him the truth about our falling out with Chris because I didn't want him to make the same mistakes I had.

Eventually he decided to go home and wait for Phil

"He left his phone at home so i can't . . ." he said lamely then he noticed something it was Phil's coat, on the coat rack in my hall he stopped and stared at it for a second then glanced at my bedroom door

"SO" he said a bit louder "Phil was here"

"Yeah"

"He must have forgotten his coat, I'll leave it in case he comes back for it" He gave me a meaningful glance

Then proceed to say in a very loud voice

"If you see Phil, Tell him i'm sorry and I'll be at home waiting for him, I want to talk"

He walked out the door glancing at the door hiding phil one last time.

When he was gone I went into my bedroom to find Phil lying curled up on my bed crying silently.

"Phil" I began

"Dont . . . please just dont"

"i'm not going back Peej I can't" croaked out phil as he lay on his side crying.

"I wish I could but I can't" he said

"I just can't" he finished lamely looking at me miserably.

"that's ok, you can stay here tonight on the pull out couch"

"Thank you Peej and I'm sorry that I don't love you . . . " his voice broke, it seemed to be doing that a lot.

Phil never made it to the couch he fell asleep on my bed crying.

I slept on the floor.

 **Dan's POV**

EARLIER

I left Peek's knowing full well Phil was in his bedroom, know that I knew the full story I felt that I should go talk to Cat again, earlier she had told me to talk to Phil but I knew he wouldn't come home for a while anyway. When i got there she was on the phone. She was kinda pissed at me. Just a bit. A teeny weeny bit. Just a bit. Okay she threw a vase at me when I walked in.

"What are you doing here?" she screeched at me in a familiar american accent.

"Just calm down and listen!"

Luckily she did.

I basically repeated everything I had heard and seen she was still angery.

"These aren't my secrets to know Dan! You of all people know that!"

"Just tell me what I should do!"

"I can live your life FOR YOU DAN!"

"Cat. . . I love you . . "

"STOP IT DAN! STOP . . . PLEASE"

she was shouting. crying to I supose.

"YOU DON'T LOVE ME!"

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?" I yelled angrily

"BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY IN LOVE DAN, I WOULDN'T SAY THIS IF IT WASN'T TRUE BECAUSE I . .love you"

She broke down crying.

"Just get out and go sort things with Phil. Don't bother coming back"

Great I had destroyed to relationships in one night, my best friend and the person i loved. Funnily enough they both loved me. I just wish Phil didn't, love me that is. I can deal, I mean I've heard worse but I was so shocked, that I, Well I obviously over reacted Fuck. did I have to screw everything up? I went home and waited up for Phil, he never came


	4. Do I know him?

**PJ's P.O.V.**

 _The way Chris Kendall left my life for good:_ It had been 6th months since his last video so I don't know how he's doing.

 **(Flash back)**

We were at Dan and Phil's place, We had been drinking. Why do bad stories always start like that? Anyway, Phil and Dan were talking in the kitchen and . . .

"Peej I need to tell you something, I'm in love with you" I laughed at that.

"I'm not joking!" He sounded under duress and his northern accent got thicker.

"Oh god Chris erm sorry, I thought you were joking, oh my god really?"

"Yeah. I dont supose. . ."

"No Chris, _I'm_ sorry but I'm in love with Phil"

"I'm I supposed to pretend I didn't hear that?" said Phil's voice from behind me. I whipped around, I must have looked terrified.

"I don't supose . . ." I had said mimicking Chris.

"Dan, I'm in love with Dan and he's in love with Cat, they sleep together, whenever they're drunk anyways."

"I'm sorry"

"You should tell em" said Chris suddenly

"Who?"

"Dan you prick the your in love with?"

"No way" We argued a bit whether or not Phil should tell him, and we are drunk which doesn't help.

"Well I'm tellin em" as Chris goes towards the door Phil in who I have never seen so much as kill a moth grabs him by the shirt and pushed him to the floor, I gasped "Oh my God Chris I'm so sorry!" Phil reached down to help him up but Chris pushed him away."I don't need your help" Chris spat. Just as Dan walked into the room "Whats going on he said in a cheerful voice. "Phil is . . . " Chris began I reached down and covered his mouth. he looked at me with such reproach that I Immediately felt bad. Dan shrugged it off. Chris got weird when he was drunk sometimes. The next day there I knocked on his door. When he opened it his eyes were red. He yelled at me a bit I yelled back. Then suddenly he was kissing me I pulled away in shock and walked out the door. When I went back he was gone. I haven't seen him since.

 **End Flashback**

There was a knock at the door I opened it to find Phil standing there

"What is it Phil" I said then I noticed the red under his eyes

"Oh god what happened?"

"I . . . Dan . . . .I told . . . I said"

"Oh God. Why?"

"I. . . " he burst into tears as I swept him inside and sat him down at the kitchen table

I made tea as he told me what happened between tears

I noticed how his voice cracked when he was repeating something that Dan had said and I wondered to myself is this how Chris had felt, Had I hurt him this bad? Or worse? THen there was another knock at my door.

"Who is it" I called

"It's me Dan" came a voice

"Please i need to talk to you it's urgent!"

Phil looked panicked I pointed silently motioning for him to hide in my bedroom, then called out

"Just a second then" to Dan I tidied up, aka I put Phil's cup in the sink and closed the door to the bedroom where phil hide. Then I opened the door with a sigh

"What is it Dan?"

"I've done something awful and I . . . " his voice broke

He told me basicly the same thing Phil had but with a lot less crying ending it all with

"It was just such a shock I . . . never would have said that if i'd just . . ."

Then it was my turn and I told him the truth about our falling out with Chris because I didn't want him to make the same mistakes I had.

Eventually he decided to go home and wait for Phil

"He left his phone at home so I can't . . ." he said lamely then he noticed something. It was Phil's coat, on the coat rack in my hall he stopped and stared at it for a second then glanced at my bedroom door

"SO" he said a bit louder "Phil was here"

"Yeah"

"He must have forgotten his coat, I'll leave it in case he comes back for it" He gave me a meaningful glance

Then proceed to say in a very loud voice

"If you see Phil, Tell him i'm sorry and I'll be at home waiting for him, I want to talk."

He walked out the door glancing at the door hiding Phil one last time.

When he was gone I went into my bedroom to find Phil lying curled up on my bed crying silently.

"Phil" I began

"Don't . . . please just don't"

"i'm not going back Peej I can't" croaked out phil as he lay on his side crying.

"I wish I could but I can't" he said

"I just can't" he finished lamely looking at me miserably.

"That's ok, you can stay here tonight on the pull out couch"

"Thank you Peej and I'm sorry that I don't love you . . . " his voice broke, it seemed to be doing that a lot.

Phil never made it to the couch he fell asleep on my bed crying.

I slept on the floor.


	5. I don't know me

**Dan's POV**

EARLIER

I left Peek's knowing full well Phil was in his bedroom, know that I knew the full story I felt that I should go talk to Cat again, earlier she had told me to talk to Phil but I knew he wouldn't come home for a while anyway. When i got there she was on the phone. She was kinda pissed at me. Just a bit. A teeny weeny bit. Just a bit. Okay she threw a vase at me when I walked in.

"What are you doing here?" she screeched at me in a familiar american accent.

"Just calm down and listen!"

Luckily she did.

I basically repeated everything I had heard and seen she was still angry.

"These aren't my secrets to know Dan! You of all people know that!"

"Just tell me what I should do!"

"I can live your life FOR YOU DAN!"

"Cat. . . I love you . . "

"STOP IT DAN! STOP . . . PLEASE"

she was shouting. crying to I supose.

"YOU DON'T LOVE ME!"

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?" I yelled angrily

"BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY IN LOVE DAN, I WOULDN'T SAY THIS IF IT WASN'T TRUE BECAUSE I . .love you"

She broke down crying.

"Just get out and go sort things with Phil. Don't bother coming back"

Great I had destroyed to relationships in one night, my best friend and the person i loved. Funnily enough they both loved me. I just wish Phil didn't, love me that is. I can deal, I mean I've heard worse but I was so shocked, that I, Well I obviously over reacted Fuck. did I have to screw everything up? I went home and waited up for Phil, he never came

 **Chris's POV**

I stood there looking up at the bridge, it was misty, even better, they would see me when the mist cleared, goodbye London. It's time for my final act.


	6. I didn't know him

**Phil's POV**

I woke up the next afternoon in PJ's bed. He was nowhere in sight. I find him lying on the floor in the living room face down, crying "PJ, are you alright, I mean is everything ok?"

he sat up his eyes red and puffy he licked his bottom lip and looked down "Its . . Its Chris . . . It all my fault . . . it all my . . ." he started sobbing"It's not your fault " I began

"He's dead!"

"WHAT NO!"

"He killed himself, last night. Hung himself from the london bridge"

"Oh God. . . .OH god oh god oh god This is all my fault!"

"No Phil it's mine"

I sat dawn next to him in shock

"A mother went for a midnight stroll with her 5 year old son, the son spotted him hanging up there, swinging in the breeze. I had to identify him"

 **Dan's POV**

I can't believe it. I cant fucken belive it.

I should have found Chris I should have made sure he was okay. I can't believe it I cant fucken believe it.

 **PJ's POV**

It's my fault. It's all my fault, I pushed him away and walked out, I may as well have killed him myself.

 **Phil's POV**

I took care of Peej for a week after Chris hung himself he just sat there whispering, "My fault all my fault" but he was wrong it was mine.

 **Dan's POV**

Phil didn't come home for a week he did text from PJ's phone to say he was staying there until Pj was better, I didn't text back. I spent most of my time texting Cat, she didn't respond. Then one week latter Phil showed up with Peej. Peej was still in a daze, barely spoke, except when he was whispering to himself. He did that quite a lot.

"He needs constant care" said Phil in a low voice after setting him on the couch,

"He blames himself" then dropping his voice a notch lower he said

"he tried to slit his wrists last night"

"Phil, we need to talk"

"No. We need to take care of PJ, Understand?"

"Phil please I . . ."

"Dan I have been taking care of him for a week non stop, PLEASE just watch him for a few hours so I can't rest. Please Dan?

I swallowed my pride literally then said

"alright"

"Thank you!" Suddenly I saw how exhausted he was

"Just rest okay"

"You got that right" he gave me a tired grin then disappeared to his room.


	7. I know me now

**Phil's POV**

it really hurt to see Dan after . . . but I needed help so I had to do it. Besides it feels really nice to sleep in my own bed again!

Dan's POV

Peej falls asleep on the couch. I text Cat she doesn't respond

Phil wanders out of his bedroom room with messy bed hair yawning

"Mourning Dan" he said walking to the kitchen. Then he saw Peej

"Oh. I forgot about . . . everything"

"Phil we really need to talk"

"Ok this is a talk Chris loved Peej but he loves or loved me I don't really know. But I love you , You love Cat who loves you but thinks you don't love her. All this lead to an argument that ended in Chris hanging himself so let's just drop it . Okay?"

"Okay" I say quietly as he goes into the kitchen and get some cereal, spilling everywhere I let myself smile at that. Same Phil. I haven't seen him that angry since . . .since that night I almost got hit by a car because we had been out drinking, I was trying to Impress Cat and almost got myself killed Phil had gone ballistic One week later me and Cat hooked up for the first time I went into the kitchen

"Phil, I need you to know I'm sorry."

"Go watch Peej"

"He's asleep"

This whole time Phil has refused to look at me

"Phil" I step up behind him brushing my hand against his arm

Suddenly Phil turned around tears streaming down his face. Then he was kissing me . . Hard. I inhaled sharply in surprise. Then he turned away just as quickly.

"I . . . I'm sorry"

"Phil . . . "

"Don't" I can hear his voice break as he begins to cry "Just don't"

I walk gingerly out of the kitchen

I turn around to see him collapsed on the kitchen floor, he's shaking, sobbing. I can't help but blame myself

I do what I always do when I'm stuck I text Cat and tell her everything. She texts back a short message "Stop txting me" I do

Just then I realize Peej is up, I see him walk into the kitchen and crotch down next to Phil

"It's okay Phil" I hear him whisper "it's all gonna be okay" I really am an awful friend. **Phil's POV**

 **3 Days Later**

Me and Peej spend 3 days taking turns crying and comforting each other while Dan stood there helplessly. Then he did something unexpected. We were in My room Peej and I when he came in

"Phil" he sounded excited "I just realized something, I need to tell you . . . . no no I need to talk to you about . . . Just come here"

He walked out Peej and I exchanged confused looks. Once I got there he started talking he sounded so excited

"Cat kept telling me something" Oh great, I thought. "She kept saying I was in love with someone else but I didn't realize it"

"And. . .?"

And then he kissed me.

 **This is my first Fanfic I have written down/published, plz tell me honestly how was it?**


End file.
